I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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