NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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