She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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