Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
