I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i drank out of a bidet.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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