I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
