Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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