Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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