my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
