I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
