If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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