I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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