I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
