is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
why is half of my head shaved?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
