I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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