I wish you could order shots online.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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