threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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