we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
