You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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