you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
