I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
