so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
