youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
