We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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