tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
