man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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