Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
