i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
