But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
