Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What a dumb baby whore.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
