I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
