She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I enjoy the company of your penis
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
