WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
