Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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