rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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