I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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