he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
