i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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