thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
