I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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