i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
