that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
