I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
this hospital has no fireball
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
