two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
