Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
