Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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