After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
