she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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