you mean i was at the winter classic?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
