mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dick very happy bro
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
