Yo dont text me then not text me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
