feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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